I think I mostly figured it out, but I'm afraid it's gonna get rambly, so I hope you don't mind, Leo, I'm gonna blog it here.
Who am I? That's the hardest. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not, really. I know what I used to be. I know who I want to be. At this moment,I'm all transitional. So, right now, I can safely say this: Who am I? I am Lisa, Alden's mother, and I am changing. When I've stablized, maybe I can give you a better overview, but the truth is, even I don't know for sure. I'm not going to list a list of traits, either. My traits seem so mutable, sometimes, I wonder, are they really me?
There's a lot of things, I can brush on superficially, like I used to consider my interests and hobbies a big part of me, like, I AM my music, and I AM what I do. But, that's not too true, anymore. The stuff that used to be my escape from the real world is pretty thin, these days. Music is still important, but it's not what I am. Piercings, tattoos, the things I do to pass the time, all these things that I love, that I used to rely on, and do to individualize myself have pretty much faded. I still watch movies, and play games, and read, but they're now just a hobby, not ME. My tattoos and piercings are a big part of me, but, they're a superficial part, like my hair color or eyes. When I was younger, if anyone asked me who I was, I'd say "just some metal chick" but now I realized, that's a small part of what I am, not who I am.
What do I want? That one's easier. Been thinking on it a lot. I want to be self reliant. I want to be strong, physically, emotionally, and mentally, for myself, and for Alden. I want an education. I want (duh) peace in my life, and happiness. I want this dissonance to end. I don't want every day to be a dance of attitudes, I don't want to battle uphill daily with stupid paltry things. I want to do what I want, and not have to justify myself to anyone. I want challenges and change. I want to set better goals, and realize them. I want a lot of things for Alden, too. I could write a whole page, just about what I want for him. This isn't about him, I know, but he's such a part of me, in a way it is. My peace and happiness is very related to how he goes through life.
Leo touched on spirituality, in his entry, and that's one thing I'm totally firm on. I haven't blogged on this much, I don't know why, it's a HUGE thing in my life, but something I'm very quiet about. I am deeply spiritual, I feel like I've found my happy place, regarding that. Not without a huge, vast amount of effort, though. Theology is a major interest of mine, I spend loads of time reading religious text, myths, stories, studying with members of various faiths (I just ended a 2 year stint studying with the Jehovah's Witnesses, and no, I'm not one. They were interesting, I learned a lot about the Bible, enough to know for very certain that it isn't for me, at all.) If anything, all this 'seeking' is just showing me that my own personal ideas on faith are more and more right, for me. Yeah, I'm solid in my beliefs, but since they're so...unorthodox (harhar) I'm the only one, it feels like, sometimes. The lonlieness in my faith is the worst part. I don't have anyone to share my revelations with, or share my love of...well, whatever, with. It's hard not to be evangelical, I can see why the religious nutcases go that way. When you've found perfect satisfaction with the spiritual aspect of your life, it's hard not to go around telling everyone, and trying to get people you love, on board. I could never, though. Religion is a personal thing. Mostly, those people that try to "help" or "steer you in the right direction", "for your own good" *shudder* have mixed motives. Buddy, you're not trying to help ME, I'm perfectly happy. You're trying to spread your stuff, and make yourself feel charitable, and all. I got a lot of that from the JW's and if nothing else, from them, I can smell the "for your own good" shit, a mile away. I guess that's why I like GE so much. He's so genuinely deeply rooted in his Catholic faith, and I applaud that. He's never once tried to get me to see it his way, which is a good thing. We silently agree to never talk about it, I think.
So, Leo, does this at least sorta answer your questions? I tried.
[Listening to: Shine - Rollins Band - (5:25)]
5 comments:
I'm glad you like me.
I, for one, am offended when people who profess to care about me don't want to sway me to their religion. I assume that most people who practice a religion do so because they think it is THE truth. If they've found THE truth, I want them to love me enough to share it with me.
On the other hand, with people who think religion is personal (subjective truth rather than objective), I don't mind if they don't evangelize me. To their minds they're just realizing that my truth might be different than theirs.
I wasn't thinking of you as someone with whom I never talk about Catholicism really. I guess it's more that I don't think that a verbal Lisa-whapping with a catechism would have the desired effect. But I try to be consistent and true to my beliefs and a good friend so that maybe someday if you have questions about Catholicism you'll ask me or maybe you'll just remember that you have a Catholic friend who isn't as evil as you've heard Catholics described.
But I do want you to be Catholic -- because I think it's the objective truth once you get past all the screw-ups caused by human error (e.g. the pervert priests) and because I love you in a very platonic "friend-from-the-internet" way and want you to experience the beauty of the Church.
I'm all rather subjective over things. I know it's for me. Personally, I know. I can say that, I know. I'm still sort of waiting for some divine, tangible proof, though, to measure it's objectiveness, if that makes sense. I simply won't feel right trying to teach people my way, unless I Know. I also care enough about people to realize where they're perfectly satisfied and whole in their faith (like you, Jamie) and it would only cause problems to try to argue it.
It's not even about arguing, though. Part of my whole thing, I guess, is that I LOVE hearing about other people's truths, opinions, the hows, the history, the whys. It helps me develop mine, all the more. The more you know, knowledge is power, knowing is half the battle, GI Joe to the rescue, etc. I'm never complacent about knowledge.
It's never about the human err, for me, in organized religions, either. I understand that, totally. Anything that's been around for such a long time, and has such a diverse and populous following is bound to have some bad apples. You simply can't have that many people together on something without finding the bad ones, it's human nature, and it turns up everywhere, in the best of situations. I've never met a Catholic, personally, that I've disliked (on a religious level, I guess. I meet a lot of people that I dislike, daily, but faith never comes into it)or Hindu, or JW, or whatever. The only people that piss me off, spiritually, are the ones that aren't doing it for the Truth, they're doing it to go along with the crowd, with no real personal foundation in it. These people give any religion a bad name, whether it's paganism, or Catholicism. "I'm Catholic, because my parents are" or "I'm Wiccan, because it's the cool, mystical thing to do." Blah, I say.
I'm glad you want me to be Catholic, I take that as a great compliment. I want you to be Catholic too, because if you weren't, you wouldn't be You. You're so right, too, I've had the verbal whompings. All I can do is smile, and take it in. I appreciate the all the efforts, but they fwoosh right over my head.
You are a great friend (in that plutonic internet sort of way) and over the years, I've drawn great strength from you, your faith, and your values (whether I agree with them or not). It's important. I experience the beauty of your Church vicariously through you, and that's something so great, I can barely put it into words.
Maybe, Tess, you could find a smaller, tighter knit church? Or, see if yours has any study groups, that get together other times, for fellowship, instead of relying on one huge mass, for your spiritual food?
Tessa, are you by chance a convert from Protestantism or have a lot of Protestant friends/family? I'm a convert, and I noticed some of what you're talking about when I first came into the Church. They didn't have the big meeting room I was used to in which people would hang out and talk before and after services, etc.
Catholics seem to have a whole different way of looking at these things, especially when you're in a big metropolitan area. It's like going to Mass is something you do on Sundays at minimum, but the church building itself isn't really a socializing place. I was surprised by that at first.
In any event, why wait for your priest to reach out to you? Talk with the pastor about starting a group for your age group/marital status/hobby. If you don't want an ongoing group, organize a potluck or some sort of one-time activity for your specific demographic.
As to my answer to Leo's question: I am Rose's grandson, the spitting image of my father, and my wife's biggest fan. (Country allusion lost on metalheads, I know.)
I want to write about some of my experiences, but if you dont like it Lilija feel free to delete it.
When I first started talking to Steve about his religion and why he wasnt pushing it on me, we got into a really good conversation. He said things that I remember to this day.
He said, the best way to witness to someone is to live it. If you say, "the Lord wants you to be meek" and you are a hellraising hairtrigger asshole, people arent going to trust in the word. So first you have to live it to the best of your ability.
And then, he said, you need to know it. If someone has a question, be able to answer it. Help them learn it. Be there if they have questions. Inspire curiosity in them.
I went to church as a young kid, by myself. I walked in and decided to start going to church. It was wonderful. The people were amazingly loving, the feeling of community and family was overpowering sometimes. Nobody was an outsider.
When I moved away it was pretty hard to lose that. I went to another church in the area and wasnt welcomed at all. I felt eyes on my when the collection plate came around and I couldnt give. It was an ugly experience compared to what I had before so I slipped out of the church.
When I met Steve my life was shit. I had nothing going for me, I had no roots and worse I had no spirituality. Since I've met him, my life and myself has changed 100%. I'm so much better and so much more than I was when he met me. I have no idea what he saw in me before, honestly. I really dont.
I wont go into too much detail here because this isnt my blog, but I will say I had several experiences that started to get me curious again. I started asking questions and he answered them for me. And then I started asking more questions and He answered them for me.
I'm still learning about the bible, and the Lord. I dont have all the answers but I feel like I'm on the right path. I cant believe the difference in my life now than what it was before. I feel blessed every day I wake up.
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