Salesbitches

So, do you guys have these people where you are? They're getting more and more common 'round these parts, and it's quite a nusiance.

The sales commando people. They're like this mutant bastardized version of the mall salesbitch that mists you with the lastest stink. There are two kinds that are really common around here, in malls, and prowling perfume salestypes. Grr.

The mall ones are usually employed at skin care kiosks, peddling hand cream or something. Generally good looking, "beautiful people" club types. It usually goes like this. They have a gob of this handcream already on their palms, and the males will go after women shoppers, and the titsy females will latch onto guys. They run out, going "Miss! Miss!" as they're trying to catch your hand, in theirs, and smear this shit on you. They stop you, and proceed to rub this cream into your hands, with both of theirs, while flirting, and trying to make a sale. But, these pushy assholes will actually scamper after you, trying to grab your hand, unless you yell at them. It happened to me once. ONCE. I was so uncomfortable, and horrified, I've learned to defend myself. I hate to be nasty, but seriously. You gotta yell, "NO NO! Don't TOUCH ME!" and physically dodge these assholes. Man, especially with my hand fetish thing, that's akin to rape.

Then, then there's the perfume people. Ohhhhh I HATE the perfume people. They lurk a lot on college campuses, but they can be anywhere. They're so slick, because they're incognito. They're just normal looking folks, carrying messenger or duffle bags. They'll fall in step, next to you, if your're walking, or cruise up and join a conversation. My last encounter was in the Turning Point parking lot, this bitch dressed head to toe, in pink, came up to my car window. Michele was there, it almost went violent. They do this move, real fast, and slick "Hey, do you wear perfume!?" then all in one motion, they whip out some bottle, and douse you with some cheapshit knockoff scent. "This is the same formula as CK1!! See if you can tell the difference!" *PSST PSST PSST* Once. Again, this happened to me once. Now, I'm just like "NO NO NOT INTERESTED GO AWAY" and I said that to the bitch in pink, as I'm trying to get out of my car. She's like "But..But..." as she's forcing her hand into my car. I opened the door on her, shoved her back, and hopped out, ready to brawl. She and her partner took off.

I HATE THE SALES COMMANDOS. It's no goddamn wonder why people do so much shopping online. The mall is just crawling with these types. Those two are the worst kinds, because they put chemicals on you, and they're all grabby and shit, but the kiosk guys are always shoving new cel phones in your face, or raving about the latest "As Seen On TV" bullshit. Having a kid is even worse, because if they're selling something kid-oriented, they'll run out, and hand your kid stuff, like "Here, big guy, try these fabulous magic erase markers! Step right over here, and draw on this pad!" Ugh, luckily Alden's not one of those "I want it I want it" kind of kids. Then there's the charities, and the dipshits with clipboards. WHO THE HELL SIGNS UP FOR THIS KIND OF JOB?! You have to be a special kind of jerkoff to want to assault people, in the name of commission, for a living.

Christmas is coming. I'll be avoiding the mall, like every year. Next dickface that assaults me with perfume is going to be picking shards of the broken bottle out of their eyelids for a week.

[Listening to: Ghost Town Blues - Social Distortion - (4:37)]