More thoughts on AM porn

In light of all the comments, I'll say this: I thought hard about what GE said, "things that must change". Porn itself doesn't bother me. Porn has always been one of those occasional recreational activities, that we do together, so him taking flight, and sneaking around with it tells me something. We've always done every single thing, together. The compulsive every morning-ness makes me wonder, and that aspect does bother me. So, in a typical situation, I would make it my priority to confront him and get to the bottom of whatever's causing it. Because typically, it is one of things that needs to be changed. But, as you longer term readers should know, I'm done trying to make him change. I can't mold him into my ideal person. We've had The Talk ( I blogged it, early last month), which boiled down to, "change back into the man I married, start putting a modicum of effort into me, and this marriage, or you will lose me." The fact is, we've been steadily growing apart (this solo-thing is just more evidence of it) and I'm done trying to keep it together. His efforts, in this past month have been just that, a modicum. The big things haven't changed, and other stuff is starting to pop up (like this whole porn thing). It's just one more thing to add to the list, of "If I were still trying to save this, I'd want changed" But, since I'm not, I'll abide.

Thomas, I know you're a new reader, hi, welcome to my world, and I'd like to set you straight on some things. I abhor the bullshit that goes on between husbands and wives, like that. The whole tit for tat, you mention. "Ooh, he bought me tickets to that show...blowjob time" or "Oh, she went down on me, maybe I should get her that sweater she was eyeing" or, "He didn't take the garbage out like I asked, I'm cutting him off..." To me, those are all examples of legal prostitution, and not only don't I do it, I wouldn't tolerate it. It's ridiculous, the games people play.

The fact is, I'm a very physical person. He's never been denied, unless I'm sick, or something. Even then, he masturbates right there in front of me, or I lend a hand, or something. Sex has always a very open, free thing, between us. It's never been secretive, or a tool of manipulation. At least, not by me. I get the feeling, in fact, that I want it more than him. So, even moreso, I take it as an insult, that he would go behind my back. If I were some frigid honey, that frowned on stuff, or only gave it up on a conditional biweekly basis, I could understand, but, I'm not. It makes me feel lesser, somehow, and unattractive, that he chooses these images (alone) over me, or over even saying "hey, I'm in the mood for some kink, you wanna check out this nasty site?" Because I'd be up for it, there's not much I wouldn't do or try, and he knows that (it's part of why he married me).

[Listening to: Red Water - Type O Negative - (6:50)]