Party From HELL

The party that I slaved cooking for on Friday, was today.

What a fucking nightmare.

I hate going to parties, for starters. I love having them, hate going to them.


Here's some tips from a professional caterer:

1) Know exactly how many people you invited, know for sure how many will show up, and plan accordingly. Try not to err on the side of "too much" when dealing with food, favors, etc. Causes waste, and is more work for you. People won't eat as much as you think they will. She invited 110, expected 80, roughly 40 showed up. She had enough everythings for 150 people. She had a lot of everything left over.

2) While we're on food, KEEP IT SIMPLE. Make a few workhorses that everyone likes. If you know everyone likes chicken, make chicken and a few accompanying sides. Don't make 3 kinds chicken, beef, lasagna, barbecued ribs, kielbasa and sauerkraut, a six foot sub, cold cut platter, sausage and peppers, meatballs, rice, fried potatoes, roasted potatoes, canned corn (?!), grilled vegetables, ziti, 5 kinds of cold salads, etc etc etc...(you think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. I think I even left stuff out) NO ONE WILL EAT ANY OF IT. It's like a law, or something, the more crap you present to people, the less they'll eat. And the food...there was an assload of it, but it all SUCKED. Well, the stuff I made was tasty, but I still wouldn't serve it at a party. The more shit you have, the more shit you gotta clean up, and pack away. It's all very simple.

3) BUY MORE THAN ONE BAG OF ICE Leaping Christ, it is 90 degrees out. The soda was 90 degrees, too. Furthermore, have some water or something handy, because not all of us even drink that shit. I'd rather do shots of kerosine than drink warm soda.

4) If you have alcohol, have alcohol. If you want it to be dry, don't fucking have alcohol. Don't tell some people to BYOB, then wonder why there's 6 guys, wasted, in the corner, and why they're not sharing their case of beer.

5) Sunday Afternoon parties suck, as a general rule. What kind of real partying can you do Sunday, at noon. Hell, I'm recovering from Saturday night's debauchery, at that point.

6) Some people like dancing, some don't. DO NOT be pushy about it. She kept trying to drag me out of my seat, and dance.
A) I don't dance to shit music
B)No public dancing when I'm sober
C)WTF, I still had a mild hangover from the night before, AND my stomach was doing a little dancing of it's own, due to the shit food. *grumble*

7) Don't think that just because you got there, and the food's out, that you're home free. Parties need to be planned. They don't just unfold (especially when 70% of the guests hate each other, and no one talks). Schedule. Assign people tasks. Have a schedule of events, i.e Party starts at noon, food comes out at 12:30, food gets cleared away at 2:30, presents get opened at 3, cake and deserts come out at 3:30 party breaks up by 4. Simple, right? and CRUCIAL. They didn't bring the cake out, till the DJ reminded them. They didn't have her open presents, they didn't even CUT the cake. They brought it out, people sang, and she wisked it away to the buffet, and plunked it on the table, only to continue dancing. People were sitting around, waiting for cake, like "WTF" Some other random guest, not even family, took the initiative, and started slicing it up and passing it out.

8) A 75 year old woman doesn't really need a rented hall, a young hip DJ (I'll give them credit, the DJ was excellent), a buffet like spread, and a FOUR FUCKING HOUR party. You could tell. She was tired 45 minutes into it. Fuck, I was tired 45 minutes into it. But then, it was my own personal hell... Examine your motives, when throwing a bash. Is it really for the person you're planning it for? Or is it really for you...

9) Four hours is too long. Way too long. (unless it's a GREAT party, I've seen some last 10 hours, and be great) Don't freak out and cry when people dissapear 2 hours into it.

Ugh. I think I'm done.

This cloud has one silver lining, however. I looked fucking GREAT. Yes I did. I wore a short skirt for the first time in about 7 years, and high (HIGH) spike heels. Black pinstripey gangster lookin skirt, black wraparound style top, and these sandals that were one black strip of leather across the top, with a chain over it and a dog-style chain around the ankle. They were so hawt, I kept looking down at my feet, thinking "damn, are those my feet? Those are some hawt feet right there!" Felt good. I'm going to bare some leg more often, I think. Start wearing some sexy shoes, sometimes.

The other silver lining, is that this one was SOOO bad, now I'm in the mood for a good one, and the wheels are turning. I see another Legendary Barbecue in my not too distant future. (I have to pat my back here, my parties are legendary. I'm talking hot tubs, peeing in the neighbor's convertable, midget porn, cops being called, legendary) This time I WILL invite the neighbors.