Last Night

I cried myself to sleep last night. Everything was ok, I thought I was doing better. I laid there on my back, trying to force myself to stop thinking about it. My feet were cold, though, and I didn't realize why. Then it hit me, I always poke my feet out from under my blankets, no matter what the weather, because Pixie used to sleep between them. I would pet her with my toes before I fell asleep, and often, she'd rest her head on my ankle, or calf. When I realized that my feet were freezing, and she wasn't coming to bed, to warm them up, I started sobbing.

I can't stop replaying that awful scene in my mind. Those dark moments in bed, before sleep comes, I can't help it. The whatifs come in. What if I got out there 2 minutes sooner, what if that dog got Alden, what if I had gotten her to the vet sooner, what if what if what if.

This morning, when the alarms went off, they woke me up. Irv went off to work, and kissed me goodbye, as usual. I tried slipping off to sleep, as usual, too, but sleep wouldn't come. I kept drifting off, a little, then waking myself up patting the bed, where she used to move to, after he left. She would always migrate up the bed, to his pillows, when he got up.

I'm driving myself crazy. I don't know what to do, but I have to get over this.