Mind

I was thinking about chess. Chess pisses me off. Checkers, too, but not so much. You'd think it's a good game for a smart person to play. I'm smart. No, really, I am. It's funny, I always feel like I have to prove myself, intellect wise. I used to go around telling people my IQ, but I got sick of defending myself, because those people were skeptical. I don't tell people anymore.

My parents took me to the University of Louisville, when I was 5, for a thorough mental examination. I have, in my posession, a 30 page report of every aspect of my intellect, as it was when I was 5, i.e. a very long winded IQ test. Now, I know IQ doesn't mean everything, but I figure, a real idiot couldn't even fake it, to get that high of a score, so even if I'm not all THAT smart, there's something there, right? Plus, it's, like, all I got. When they find a way to accurately, numerically measure the more accurate 7 intelligences, I'll be all over that. Plus, I feel like I got wholly jipped, education wise. Thank you mom.

But, I digress, chess pisses me off. I never learned when I was a kid. I didn't grow up around "chess people" No one bothered to teach me. I finally learned when I was in my early 20's. But, I was never around anyone who took the time to teach me more than the basic moves. The guy who taught me how to play, showed me the basics, then beat me in 5 moves. So, naturally, I didn't really learn. I've played all of 4 times, since. 3-4-5 moves, and I lose. I came to the reason why, and this has a lot to do with my intellect, and how people percieve me.

I'm not a quick thinker, when it isn't crucial. I have to stare hard at the board, and think about it forever. I'm a deep thinker, but, I'm not that quick. Generally, decisions I make on the fly turn out to be bad ones, so, I just don't do it anymore. That carries over to my very meager chess game. But, then, I get worried about looking dumb, and embarassed for taking too long, so, I punch it, and doom myself. It's almost embarassing, not to be a quick thinker, most times. I take a long time to answer questions. Feels like I come off as dumb.

It's funny, because it seems like I reserve the quick thinking for when it really counts. I'm excellent under pressure. Pressure, in fact, is my crutch. I can't accomplish things, unless there's pressure. I live for it. That's when I shine. Yes, I put off my term papers, till the last week of the term. Yes, I produced flawless 20-30 page papers, completely cited, thoroughly thought through. Yes, I did nothing BUT schoolwork, for those last few days. I LOVED it. I got a CHARGE from killing myself like that. I've tried doing it the old fashioned way, but, my papers always come out fragmented, rambling, and, well, bad. I make bad decisions, when I hurry, when it doesn't really count (games, ice cream flavors, etc) but, when it's crucial, when there's pressure, I'm aces.