On the heels of *growl*

Yesterday, the fighting. Today, the aftermath.


Yesterday was recoupreation day. After my blogging about it (which, for me, is the big step one of self-therapy) I felt better. He called me, from work, shortly after. He was feeling miserable, too. He wanted to see how I was feeling, and talk about it. I told him a lot of things that I blogged. The paranoia scares me, the fact that he's starting to hang on stuff he's IMAGINING, and going off about things he's got in his head. That's a big step, because he used to just fly off the handle, and pretend like nothing happened, after the fact. Now, now he wants to talk about it, examine why, see how I'm feeling, and most importantly, apologize for upsetting me. He used to have the mindset "What, I'm over it, sorry I got hot-headed, everything's fine though, you need to get over it..." Now he's genuinely remorseful. This comes from the discussion in September, and how he's learning to recognize me, and my feelings, and be keyed in.

When we got a few minutes alone, after he got home from work, the first thing he said to me was "You're right. This is never about you. It really is me." That was a first. I just stared at him. He continued, "you never get so upset, usually. Last night, when you were yelling back, I listened, and you are right." Some of the things I said, when I was fighting back, were to the effect of how selfish this tantruming is, how petty, how I have no way to defend against his bullshit accusations, how I'm sick of him dragging stuff out of the DEEP past, and throwing it in my face, and how bad it effects me. Again, a lot of what I blogged about. But, at 3 a.m. I was a zombie, and it was very stream-of-conciousness. I couldn't relate EXACTLY what I said, I understand the gist, but apparently, it was something that made him sit up and take notice, for the first (ok, second, I suppose) time.

I calmly told him yesterday, that he IS pushing me away, and every single time he does that, he unmakes ALL the stuff we've been working for, to patch the relationship back together. All the nice things we do, he says, all the thing I think we've accomplished, *poof* right out the window, when he does it. I told him, calmly, all I can think about, when laying there, too tired to cry, too stressed to sleep, in the aftermath, is leaving the situation, and taking Alden with me.

For the first time. I think he really internalized it. All I can do is give him the chance to prove it, and that will come with blissful, rage free time. Here's hoping, eh?

One thing, in his defense, is he doesn't just say stuff to smooth things over. He's never come out and said "You're right, I need to fix myself" So, that's a big deal to me. He's not a wordsmith, or a sweet talker. What he says, is.