I generally don't blog about my gaming experiences, but this one requires something. I know, it's "just a game" but, real people behind the players, and that's what this boils down to.
I feel like I should lay out, and examine my own feelings, about all this, now, a day later.
A little background. When Ally got me into the idea of World of Warcraft (and it was all her, I remember the conversation like it were yesterday) I was thoroughly excited, about a) starting a new game, b) being in something from the ground roots and c) helping her manage her guild. Our idea was to blend our groups, from past games, and bring our good friends together to have a big happy group.
Ally brought a large chunk of her group from AC, that had gamed together for years, and a group from City of Heros, that knew each other for awhile, and I brought myself, and a few friends. In the beginning, it was only me, Opti and Afe. Opti didn't want to play on my server, and Afe did, till he saw all the bullshit strict rules that The Burning Hand did. Afe didn't like being treated like a 5 year old. He left before things got started. Opti didn't want to join at first, but he eventually came around, and it was for the better. Xan joined a little later on, a few weeks into it.
I felt a little apprehensive about having a leadership position, but I was willing to go along with whatever her and Zare said, and try to enforce rules, and offer whatever insight I could bring. In the beginning, things were great. We were casual, but with a formal entry system (being an elitist, that was fine by me), and everyone knew each other and worked together to be happy.
I took my job as management very seriously, and I even put in my mini-bio that I was there to serve them, and to help out any way I could. I meant that, and now as the leader of my own guild, I still mean it.
Then, things started to crumble, and after reflecting on it for a few days, I now realize where I started to lose it. I'm going to cite actual instances, and name names. This is my blog, and I would like an accurate record of my feelings about all this, so I'm not doomed to make repeat mistakes on my own. Call this "Lili's History Book of Leadership and What Not to Do" It's going to sound like a lot of "omg, but that was in the past" stuff, but this is the point of this excersise. A string of events.
I invited a friend that I met, in game, by the name of Lessaic. He's a good kid, and he was greeted well, etc. Maybe an hour later, Ally decided that she wanted to enact a "hard cap" on recruitment, not letting any new people in, till after a prescribed date. She basically made the rule and enacted it, before really discussing it with us, but ok. I agreed, she's the leader. That was all good. Me, being the newest person, really, I could use the time to get to know all the old former AC guildmates. I was worried, though, because I knew a string of friends were planning on playing eventually, and had hoped to get them in with us. I'd feel bad if they were made to wait.
That very night, after making a big to-do about the hard cap, two new members join. That bothered me. I mentioned it on /o and got shrugged off "they're old friends of mine" I thought, "but..but...I don't know them from a fucking hole in the ground." This making rules up as we go along, and not following them yourself stuff? It doesn't sit well with me, not one bit. It's a hard cap, but it isn't, but you can't invite friends from the game, but I can invite anyone I want...I was really REALLY bothered by that, and I mentioned it to them, and I basically got brushed off.
So, I learned to live with this new rule. In that time, a whole load of people joined. The only one it affected, was a guy by the name of Jian. People are being invited left and right, and Jian has to wait, because of this ridiculous "hard cap" Frankly, I thought it was a travesty. I mentioned it, once, but rather than speak up any more, and act whiny, I held it in.
These new people that joined? The old friends? Apparently, they didn't like 'new people' because they treated me like a wad of shit. They ignored me, ignored anyone new. Unless it was to boss me around, or demand things. Over guild chat, we congratulate people, make idle chatter, ask questions, answer them, offer things to other guildmates, beg for things, etc. It's just the nature of things. Instead, they used guild chat as their own private hotline, and were just incensed if anyone dared say anything that they didn't like. I brought it up, and Zare and Ally were puzzled by this, but, agreed that they weren't being team players, they promised to straighten it out.
At this point, my guys were feeling it. Opti, who has bent over backwards to help people, since he joined, was feeling horrendously underappreciated. I knew, from soon after he joined, that Ally didn't like him. He would (like we all do) mentioned that he leveled over /g and everyone would ignore him, besides myself, and Xan, maybe. He would log on, and no one would say hi. The same no ones that he would drop anything to come help. Getting my drift, here? I felt mostly the same way, but many people were warmer, to me. I still got the cold shoulder from some, but not as bad as Opti had it, to be sure. His feelings were hurt, and it's no damn wonder. It got to the point that Ally wouldn't even acknowledge him, unless she was making some snide quip. It got to be too much. He was hurt, and unhappy, and threatening to leave. He only stayed because I begged him to give me a chance to straighten things out.
Xan was having problems, because he couldn't even say the word 'wench' in guild chat, without having some snippy bitch scold him. "Language" It got to the point, that every time I saw that comment (and oh boy, it was a LOT) that my hackles went up, and I gritted my teeth. The trouble was, Ally and Zare would side with the snippy bitch, all the time, and it made Xan unhappy. I'm not happy, if he's not happy. He came to play this game with me (Like Opti) and I owed him the best, most comfortable, fun gaming experience I could offer. Being in leadership position, I thought I would have the voice necessary to make things better.
The favoritism was really showing. "They're old friends of ours, they're really good people, don't say anything to offend them" But...they're cliquishness and treating my friends like shit offends ME, and no one did anything about THAT.
Catering to one, fuck the rest. All done, "in the spirit of family" But, aren't we in the family too? Doesn't Opti deserve a hearty hello, or a congrats, when he looks for one? Doesn't Xan get to speak freely over /g? Don't I deserve to be acknowledged as part of the leadership, rather than having my concerns brushed off time and time again? We're a family, right?
I genuinely tried. I talked to Ally about her feelings towards me. I asked her if she were angry at Opti, or me, and basically she said no, and wondered why I would ask such a thing. I thought we broke a lot of ground, that morning, and that things would get better.
Things got a shade better. The two assholes stopped using /g as their private chat for a little while. Ally and Opti seemed to be getting along a bit better, and well...Xan pretty much stopped interacting on /g at all, after getting chastized one too many times.
Meanwhile, more people joined, Tessa, Cuttlery, Matches, Lec, Afelirick, Michele, Jian, people that I loved to game with, considered good friends, were excited to have with me, in a game. People, that I felt I owed a good gaming experience to. It just wasn't happening.
Toward the end, there, it really was very "us against them" there's "my guys" and "you guys" and that's how the rules were being laid out. It got so bad, that people were afraid to speak freely over /g, so I made my own private channel, for my friends. I knew I was leaving. It was only a matter of when, at this point. I was aiming to do it as diplomatically as possible, and I was biding my time for the right moment. I still tried to hold it together, but it seemed, daily, things were happening, that made me uncomfortable, and unhappy playing.
Then, the shit hit the fan.
A new guy joined, and he said goddammit. The language police jumped all over him, of course. Opti, Xan, the new guy, and a few other people lodged their complaint about the censorship. I couldn't stop them anymore, this was the last straw. I frantically tried to get Zare's attention over /o meanwhile answering 20 complaints of "we're leaving, I swear to god, we can't handle it anymore". It bubbled over, and boiled out of my control. Xan left first. I knew at that moment, that I would go too. I tried to be diplomatic, and hold things together for just a bit more. I wanted to wait, and tell Ally, and do everything official. Then Opti left. I told them "do you see what you're doing?" Still no real answer from Zare, over /o and my game world was collapsing. I still wanted to get the final word and talk to Ally. Afe left. They were dropping off like flies. Some asshole made a nasty comment to the effect of "another one bites the dust" or something, and that was it for me. That asshole (who I don't even KNOW...I mean, did he ever stoop to talk to me, or acknowledge us before this? Nope.) summed up the whole vibe that I was getting from a majority of them. My hands were shaking so bad, it took me three tries to type /guildquit.
I quit. I took a few people with me. I had planned on talking to Ally, the next day, in hopes of reconciling, and maybe trying to patch things over. The first thing I see, however, when I get to the guild's message board, the next day was Ally's first comment on the whole event "if leaving was your first reaction, before talking to me, then maybe it's best that you left" Or something along those lines.
That changed my whole plan. I *had* been trying to talk to them for weeks. This was a long time coming. But, now, the problems were no more. "you guys" can have your happy little family. "The issues" were dealt with. We left, and the message was very clear, from that statement. There was a lot of explaining, and justifying after that, I wrote a volume about my feelings and motivations, on the message board, to which Ally replied right away with a "buhbye" and that stung. I was composing what I was gonna say, all night, and how to word it, and she basically responded with a "sorry to see you go, but if you're happier..." which wasn't the point of my whole writing to begin with. I was pouring my heart out, it took me an hour to write. After I posted it, she replied 6 minutes later, after clearly not reading it, "k, bye, lets be friends".
Later that evening, Ally saw, through screenshots, how it all went down, and decided to kick a few people out, that were the catalysts to this particular chain of events. Too little, too late. Everyone seemed shocked that we left, and a lot of people thought it was over a petty language thing, but it truly wasn't.
I left behind some good friends, in TBH. I broke, knowing full well that I would be leaving behind some good friends. Ally, Zare, Eben, Matches, Tuttle, Jian, (at the time, but he joined mem anyway), Lessaic, Aranuir, Zartan, Fallan, and a whole mess of others, that I had come to respect, and look forward to gaming with. That hurt the most, parting ways with people that helped me so much, and that I genuinely like. When I say "I do hope we can still keep in touch" it's not some petty parting sentiment, it's the truth, because through all the bad feelings, these were the people that made my time with The Burning Hand good.
I'm upset with Ally, a little, because my feelings were hurt by her in game actions, but I feel like we're good enough friends that we can transcend that, and still be close outside of the game. We still have our blogs, and idle RL chatter, which is what drew us close to begin with. We just have totally different gaming styles. She has her thing, I have mine, it's all good. I feel a little weird, though, about chatting her up in game, at this moment. Maybe when things settle out.
So, this is where I'm at.
We're on our own now, and I like it. We're casual, very small, and mean to stay that way. My friends are happy, and the game is fun, again. My first time as a leader of anything, and I'm a little anxious about it. I made Xan and Opti my officers, since they were so instrumental in all this, they do know the game well, and are good people and players. Where I plan to go with this guild, and how I plan to manage things...well that's best left for another post, my fingers are going numb.
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