Tomorrow is the funeral...

So, I've felt like blogging, all last week. I just haven't had the energy, really.

This past week sucked horrendously. Worst. Week. Ever. The first half, I had massive PMS, as a nice backdrop to the events. It rained every single day, from Saturday, to Saturday. I had to stand out in it, every single day, to pick Alden up, from school.

Tuesday was the worst, though. It was raining so hard, you didn't even need the wipers on, because it was a solid crystal sheet of water pouring down the windshield. That bad. And about 40 degrees. I was out in it for a half hour. I was sure, SURE that I would be laid up with bronchitis, after that.

Monday Luiz was annoying. Tuesday, he was annoying. Probably no moreso than usual, but still. Tuesday, he and I got into this apocalyptic fight, that actually inspired me to block his name, from my messengers, and in game (no, I didn't. I got as far as typing /ignore before I was like "no, we can fix this" I couldn't make myself type his name.). One of those "Never speak to me again." kinds of fights. I went to bed, after it, and sobbed for 2 hours straight. I wrote this long, heartfelt email, apologizing for attacking him (I did start it, it's true) and, trying to get my point across. I was already trying to apologize, but he was so pissed he wasn't even responding. How often does Lisa throw herself at people's mercy and just lay out apologies like that? Not often. And he was too mad to even reply, that night. I was so hurt. I was also stressed, PMSsing, getting sick, tired, and depressed, already.

Tuesday, also Earl went in for major surgery. Now, I hate Earl, it's a fact, I don't try to cover that up. But, he's still family, I guess, and I was worried. He was having part of his bladder wall removed, and part of his prostate. He's been fighting cancer for like 5 years, and this was the first time he actually had to go get cut open. It was worrisome. There's this curse, everyone I've ever known that was fighting cancer (a lot, trust me) has always been...fine...till the surgery. Then comes the "we had to remove _____" and they have to get cut open. After that, it always seems to become terminal. I saw it happen to my grandfather, paternal grandmother, uncle, friends of the family, etc. Just, having to be cut open for it seems very final, to me.

Then, Tuesday, I found out that my mom booked a trip to the UK and France. For...this weekend. Earl was to get out of the hospital, tomorrow, and she would be leaving Saturday. For some 18 day trek across Europe. Yes, she scheduled the trip, after they scheduled the surgery. Yes, now I know my mother is a complete cunt. I sorta guessed at it before, but that hammered it home.

Finally, Tuesday, Helen, Aunt Lynne's mother died. Now, Helen was a sweet old lady, sort of a great aunt. Not some distant stuffy old lady type, we have a very tiny family, so Helen was close to us. Moreso, Aunt Lynne. I've mentioned her before. Of all the people in my family, I feel closest to her. We can relate better than anyone, she's someone I genuinely respect, look up to, I can see myself in her. She can see her young self in me. That's how close we are, like mother/daughter. I feel closer to her than my own mom, at times. Most times. And, her mother died. So, I'm crushed. I found out about that on Tuesday, as well.

I went to bed, Tuesday night, and sobbed myself to sleep, for maybe two hours. I got up Wednesday morning, also in tears. I was mentally, physically wrecked.

I spoke to Luiz, Wednesday morning, and we talked for a good three hours. We completely mended. He apologized, we were miscommunicating, he had no idea all the stuff going on, he just thought I was being a bitch (and, I was, to him, but I was outside of myself, on Tuesday) He doesn't deserve that, of course. But, he also promised to be a shade more sensitive, and caring, and try to remember that there's a human behind the text. It's hard, when your best friend is 3 hours away, and rely on voice and text to keep in touch.

I spoke to Aunt Lynne, finally, on Wednesday, about everything, we had one of those long, girly talks, I tried the best I could, to console her. What the hell do you say? She didn't get along well with her mother (just one thing we completely have in common) and she felt all kinds of guilty. She sat by her side at the hospital, though, for the 10 days she was in there. It was just horrible. But, I felt better after we talked. I wanted to hear her voice, I was so worried, and so concerned, I just wanted to know that she was holding up.

Wednesday, Earl made it through the surgery, very well. He was fine, and out of ICU, into a regular room. He even came home from the hospital a few days early. That too, was an enormous burden lifted.

I was still sick, still cramping, still sad as hell, but things were starting to lift.

Thursday and Friday were uneventful, Friday night was even fun, in game. I drank a bit, not a lot, got buzzed, and cut loose PvPing, being a badass hunter in my own little world, talking to my friends, all on Teamspeak, and having fun.

Saturday was great! It started great, at least, Mindy called! OMG MINDY! I almost fell out of my chair, heh. We wound up hanging out all day. Day wore into night, and we drank. Now, I hadn't planned on drinking, seriously, not at all. I have a "one night a week" policy. Oh, but Irv was pouring. Hard. Michele came over and hung out at one point, but I was so wasted at that point, I was half asleep in my chair. I don't remember much. I feel embarassed. I rarely lose control like that, and usually it's on the heels of major stress. I hadn't been that drunk since Schuyler was over, last year. I woke up yesterday shaking, and sick. Very very very sick. Needless to say, it'll be awhile before I drink like that again. I almost needed something like that, to throw on the brakes.

Yesterday, I slept it off, made lasagna for Aunt Lynne, looked for pictures of Helen, that we could add to the mural, found some of her, and my own grandmother, and got all weepy. It was sort of a day of hibernation, and domesticity.

Today, the day dawned absolutely GOREGOUS, bright, crisp, breezy cool...like a whole new fucking life. Now, I know I', 5 minutes away from leaving for the wake, and I know that's gonna be painful, and the funeral tomorrow, even moreso. I think I've blogged about funerals here. Hell, even Aunt Lynne said to me on the phone "I know how you feel about funerals, you don't have to come." Of course I'm going, I'm going for her, so I can hug her, and be there. But, it's gonna kill me.

Still, all that about to happen, and I feel great, today. I feel like whatever poison was haunting me last week, and even the week before, has been bled clean, and now I'm weak, but recovering.

Now I have to go. I am late.